Pilot

So I think it's been established in the 25 years of me not keeping a journal (and my brief stint with incomplete chrono's) that I've never been much of a 'dear diary' lass. But when everything is as wretchedly confusing as it has been recently I have only two choices left. Eff it all and just become a prostitute, or write it out. They both may result in carpel tunnel but this is (presumably) less sticky. 

Brief update, I could not find work in Washington so I moved to South Carolina. 

Now I cannot find work in South Carolina. 

I do not regret moving. I think it a very good thing for me. And I understand that the only high light of a job search is when you are offered a job. Which basically means it sucks ass until the very end of the process (I'm prepared to deal) but I just feel like I'm a disappointment that I'm here without employment. I don't know what to think about my situation. 

My friends are growing up and finding themselves and it is beauitful. Weird to be jealous of beauty. I suppose it happens a lot, but pure beauty, in the true sense of the word, seems like it could have no affiliation to jealousy- even if unbeknownst. 

A lot of people want to have a lot of problems, it seems. I guess it's a trend lately to let the shit in your life define and control you. But I think that's stupid. I believe you are only as sick as your secrets. I also wonder why some people insist on clinging to their insufficiencies and or let them command their every move? I believe only for attention. That's rubbish. Everywhere I turn people are whinging about their circumstances. But you know what, no more. I say if you don't like your circumstances, change them. I did not like my lack of career status so I made a change. And I may still be in a rut, but silver lining, this rut has different scenery and nicer weather so...

Regarding the "unsatisfactory" check box on my comment card of life, I should either write Bono for suggestions (does anyone know has he yet found what he was looking for?) or come to terms with the fact that I can't be satisfied and will die alone. I refuse. To do either.

So now, I must figure what I want and find it. My friend told me of a saying once, (I think she'd seen it on a t shirt) "Some people follow their dreams. Others chase them down and beat them into submission". 
I like her, and I like the quote. 

Recently though, I've found I don't know how to do my own thing and not care what people think about it or who I'm letting down or who is telling my mother. What a wonderful life to have no fear of man, only a teather to Jesus and answer only to him and myself. (I know some folks would have my head for the 'myself' part but I must be present if it accountability). 

A list of things in this world that annoy me:

1. the job market

2. genocide (and sin's effects in general)

3. when people talk forever and end up not actually saying anything (and then I bought a purple scrunchie but I didn't like it because it had sparkles and they got stuck in my hair and well I put my hair in a bun before I put it in the scrunchie which means that my hair is strategically twisted, but when I would put my hair up the glitter would get in my hair and then when I let my hair down I would have glitter in the sections of my hair that my scrunchie had touched. ...12 minutes later...)

but the worst of all (second only to number 2) 

is 4. when people ignore the good in their lives to focus on the bad.

I admit my guilt to this. We all know my 'glory days' story to this one- (We get it P.B... you worked at Western for 12 years).When I graduated college, I got a (for me) well paying job in a (mostly) respected career field.

To recap:

I had a big kid job,

a car,

an apartment,

a savings account (enter Jean Stapleton with 'those were the days'),

a gun even.

I had it all. I don't believe I ever got my worth from it- but I did like that I was in such a position. But like the song and the bible both say, 'You give and take away'. 


And take away He did. And there are days I feel like a welfare queen, and I give up on my dreams and I eat/drink and/or smoke my feelings. But I think the main reason I am forsaking this pathetic state of mind is not the 12 illegitimate children, fallen dreams or bingo wings/smokers cough I've developed from such a mindset but rather because I have seen very similar mindsets in those around me and it's ugly and off putting. So from this point forth, I will put my whole heart into appreciating what I have and I will stop whining. (Because it's unacceptable and it makes people go crazy). 

-But time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too- and it comes down to I'm old enough and it's time to put on my big girl panties. 


***
(Funny story, the second I finished the previous sentence, what should come on Pandora but "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"? True story).